I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
