My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i need some magic done to my vagina
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
