When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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