I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
