Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
