I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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