I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
