I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
