How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
