Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
