I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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