You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
