WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
