i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
