The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
