Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
