My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
how drunk are you?
Several
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
