fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I checked into jail on foursquare
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
