I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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