I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
