How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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