Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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