Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
