Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
