I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If I die, sorry about rent.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
