so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
