So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just gargled with NyQuil
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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