i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
