the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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