He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
