Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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