Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize