when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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