I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
3 2 1 whiskey
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
