I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
