I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
