so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
