I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
