Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
