so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
