Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
