i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We talked him into tasing himself.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
