my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
