Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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