god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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