My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
