If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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