if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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