Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
