Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
