If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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