my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
